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As is my custom and habit, and my Bobby Brown prerogative, I’m going to go with the first page – as printed.

You know, printed with ink at these places we used to call “stores of books,” where you handed the nice folks who live there paper decorated with dead presidents and they let you walk out with ALL KINDS OF YUMMY WORDS.

So if you read the first page of this thing on a Kindle or iPad or Atari 2600, your page one will doubtless look different and such. Please give my regards to the Complaint Department.

After a line edit of page one, we’ll talk about our general literary impressions – about how metaphors are like similes, only different. About how my hatred of semicolons runs deeper than my loathing of A-Rod. And how somebody wrote a mainstream and incredibly successful novel about sexy nonsense without putting any sort of sexy nonsense whatsoever on page one.

Does the title and cover matter? Nah. Only if you want to sell 40 bazillion books.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. (This may be a world record. Bam, in the first sentence, she breaks a cardinal rule of fiction writing: don’t tell readers what the hero or heroine looks like by having them stare into a mirror, gaze upon their reflection in a pond or, I don’t know, whip out their driver’s license and say, “Huh, five-foot-ten, a hundred and twenty pounds, red hair, green eyes and a few freckles. Howbout that?” Ugh. This is not exactly “Call me Ishmael.”) Damn my hair – it just won’t behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal. (Unless the heroine’s hair is crucial to the plot — unless she starts out with unruly hair in Act 1, switches to a bob in Act 2 and shows how much she’s grown and changed by rocking a purple Mohawk in Act 3, the hair, it is Boring, and a Distraction. Also, nobody refers to friends and such by their full name. If she’s your bestie, you say “Katherine.”) I should be studying for my final exams, which are next week, yet here I am trying to brush my hair into submission. I must not sleep with it wet. I must not sleep with it wet. (Enough already with the hair. Seriously. The only two words with any kind of real conflict and potential are “final exams,” and unless she flunks those, and therefore gets kicked out of university and has to live under a bridge in a cardboard box, it does not matter for the story.) Reciting this mantra several times, I attempt, once more, to bring it under control with the brush. (More about the hair? MORE? Not necessary, not interesting and not entertaining, unless her hair is secretly a sentient being, organizing a plot to take over the world, one follicle at a time. I’m guessing Bruce Willis, being immune from such attacks, will get recruited to foil this plot in DIE HARD 17: THE HAIR DYES HARDEST.) I roll my eyes in exasperation and gaze at the pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face staring back at me, and give up. (Back to the staring-at-the-mirror trick, which has to go. Find another way to describe the heroine and make the reader care about what the heroine looks like in the first place. I don’t know, a conflict, a situation, a hook.) My only option is to restrain my wayward hair in a ponytail and hope that I look semi-presentable. (Now we’re beating the Dead Hair Horse on its way to the glue factory.)

Kate is my roommate, and she has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu. Therefore, she cannot attend the interview she’d arranged to do, with some mega-industrialist tycoon I’ve never heard of, for the student newspaper. (Awkward. First reference is Katherine Kavanaugh and now she’s Kate – just call her Kate both times. Also, how many student newspapers score interviews with “mega-industrial tycoons” … who you’ve never heard of? If they’re really mega, then you have heard of them. Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and so forth. If you haven’t heard of them, they aren’t mega at all. Edited text follows in red.) Kate is my roommate and she’s chosen today, of all days, to succumb to the flu. That means I’m stuck interviewing some industrial tycoon for the student newspaper. So I have been volunteered. (Redundant.) I have final exams to cram for, (already said that) one essay to finish, and I’m supposed to be working this afternoon, but no – today I have to drive a hundred and sixty-five miles to downtown Seattle in order to meet the enigmatic CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. As an exceptional entrepreneur and major benefactor of our university, his time is extraordinarily precious – much more precious than mine – but he has granted Kate an interview. A real coup, she tells me.

Damn her extracurricular activities. (The last sentences were brought to you by the letter E: enigmatic, exceptional entrepreneur, extraordinarily, extracurricular. Other modifiers also start with the letter E: extraneous, excruciating and ejector seat. I am looking for the handle, because it’s time to pull it.)

Kate is huddled on the couch in the living room.

“Ana, I’m sorry. It took me nine months to get this interview. It will take another six to reschedule, and we’ll both have graduated by then. As the editor, I can’t blow this off. Please,” Kate begs me in her rasping, sore–throat (compound modifier) voice. How does she do it? Even ill

(end of page 1)

Notes from Guy

Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I thought THE FOUNTAINHEAD was a bad page one (here’s my post about that debacle), but Ayn Rand is flipping Shakespeare compared to FIFTY SHADES OF AWFUL.

Page one of this turkey consumed barrels and barrels of red ink, even though all my red ink is digital and such. I had to change my way of editing to handle this thing, because usually, anything edited gets turned red, but if I did that to this first page, 90 percent of this thing would be red, and it would be all confusing and such.

So this is a mess, and not a hot mess.

God bless anybody who sells a ton of books or movie tickets. I adore books and movies, and the more people read books, and see good movies, the better. HOWEVER: the first page of a book is a lot like the trailer for a movie. You start out with your best stuff, and it’s a rock-solid guarantee that the writing doesn’t get magically better ten pages or 100 pages later.

The first page, and the first chapter, get polished and polished until they are a shiny diamond made of words.

Maybe you could argue this book is the one exception to that rule.

From the reviews of this book, though, that’s not the case. Here’s a review of the novel in the London Review of Books.

So why did something like this sell like hotcakes?

I believe, deep in my soul, packaging matters more than the product. Not because that’s how things should be. It’s just reality.

The title of a book – or a movie, or a TV show – can save your bacon or kill you dead.

What else can sell or sink you? Images. That’s why the cover of a book or punk rock album is so important. It’s why we remember the movie poster for JAWS. When we’re thinking about what to spend our monies on in Barnes and Noble, and what to see on Friday night at those giant buildings where popcorn costs $9 a bucket, covers and posters and titles are where we start. Images are more visceral and powerful than words. I am not making that up. THERE IS SCIENCE AND SUCH.

Also, quality itself doesn’t sell. You need something else, a different hook. (Related posts: You can pitch ANYTHING except quality and Quirks and legs matter more than talent and perfection.)

If you gave this a more typical title for the genre, and a more typical book cover, you’d probably end up with a title like A BUSINESS AFFAIR and some kind of Ryan Gosling clone-wearing a suit on the cover. The heroine would be nearby, messing with her ponytail while she wears the highest of high heels and a business suit with a skirt that is just this side of immodest. Or the cover would feature a blindfold and a pair of handcuffs.

If you really want to go traditional, it’d be Fabio wearing a suit while he holds a blindfold and a pair of handcuffs.

And if you put that different title and cover on this very same book, it wouldn’t sell 40 bazillion copies and get turned into a movie. It’d be just another book in a genre that isn’t exactly new and wanting for titles.

I bet you anything the unusual title and cover is why FIFTY SHADES OF GREY went viral and became a smashing success.

True story: guess what the author of THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO wanted as a title for his novel? Go ahead. Guess.

Originally, Stieg the Larsson wanted to title his novel MEN WHO HATE WOMEN. Think would sell more than five copies to his mom?

I am not making this up: Larsson wanted to go with MEN WHO HATE WOMEN.

Raise your hand if you think that title would have set the world on fire and led to hit movies starring James Bond.

The title and cover – the packaging – are 90 percent of the battle. The packaging matters more than the product.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY is an interesting literary title. The cover photo of a grey tie is also atypical of the genre and really stands out. The combined effect gives the book a literary veneer.

Some people might feel embarrassed getting on Flight 435 to Frankfurt and pulling out a paperback titled A BUSINESS AFFAIR with Fabio holding a blindfold and handcuffs on the cover. And you can bet the male audience for such books is hard to find with a microscope.

Give the same novel a different title and cover – and the gloss of lit-rah-sure – and that makes it okay for people to read what they might otherwise never get caught dead with: romance and erotica.

This reminds me of the early Eric van Lustbader novels, like THE NINJA, which were hot sellers because they slipped in page after page of shockingly naughty scenes to readers – mostly men – who simply expected ninjas fighting with swords and such. It was like a James Bond movie where they didn’t fade out when 007 kissed the girl, but switched from a nice safe PG movie to something unsafe and dangerous and wild. I can tell you 14-year-old boys around the globe had their minds blown. You can print this kind of stuff without getting arrested? I can buy it at the store and they don’t ask for my driver’s license, because I don’t have one yet? NO WAY.

Verdict

Back to FIFTY SHADES OF GREY and why the first page, aside from the awkward messiness of it all, is just not interesting. You could hire a team of authors to rewrite the same plot points and they would throw up their hands and say, “Forget it. We can’t do magical things with wet unruly hair and cramming for finals week, because there’s nothing truly at stake here.”

It is beyond boring to read about some college student kvetch about her hair and her schedule. Try having a job and a kid and a commute, then talk to me.

There’s no conflict, no reason to care about the heroine. Is she fighting for any cause greater than herself? Are there public stakes at all? No. Private stakes that we can divine? No. Maybe if her boyfriend just dumped her, hey, now we have somewhere to go. A catalyst, a hook. But we’ve got nothing to work with here.

The heroine seems shallow and self-centered. I have no feelings about her, Kate or this Mr. Grey, because nothing is on the page to make me care, and no foreshadowing that anything more exciting or interesting might happen on page two, page 22 or page 222.

I don’t mind entertaining trash, no matter the genre. In fact, it’s better that a book or movie embraces its entertaining trashiness than beats me on the head with the Cudgel of Prententious Nonsense, which is never any fun at all.

HOWEVER, entertaining trash better be GOOD trash, and not forget the entertaining part. This page one is an epic fail on both counts.

Guy Bergstrom won awards as a journalist before working as a speechwriter and cashing checks from The New York Times as about.com’s expert on public relations. He wrote a thriller (FREEDOM, ALASKA) that won some award and he’s represented by Jill Marr of the Dijkstra Literary Agency. Follow him on his blog redpenofdoom.com, or Twitter at @speechwriterguy, or Google+

A guest post by Desiree Wolfe

Unless you wrote your book just for a copy on your own shelf, you’re going to need to do some marketing. Yes, marketing. That scary word most writers think they understand but really have absolutely no clue about. It doesn’t have to be scary if you’re prepared. I’ve compiled five truths about marketing your book so you can start getting your crap together now. Because once you publish, you’re already late to the game.

5. Your Book Means Nothing.

Here’s the brutal truth. No one gives a shit about your book. But they do give a shit about YOU. People aren’t going to buy your book because it looks good on the shelf. People WILL buy your book because they like you. They heard about what a great writer you are. Someone read your bio or recommended you to a friend. They read a sample of your writing in your blog and connected with your style. So start connecting with people NOW. Make sure your social media is active and that you’re talking about your projects and you’re getting people interested in you, by being interested in them. The longer you’re online the greater your connections will be and more people will be compelled to purchase your book.

4. You’re Not Ready for Success.

Before you send your book off to the printers, think like a rock star. Be prepared for people to ask for more information. Be prepared for media interviews and interest. Make sure you have a media kit ready to go. Media moves quickly. Journalists and producers don’t have the time to wait for you to “write something up” to describe you and your book. Get that shit together ahead of time and you’ll be a media superstar.

3. No One Is Going To Do It for You.

Ever heard the phrase, “If you want something done, just do it yourself”? That goes for selling your book. If you want your book to sell (of course you do), you’re going to have to be your own best marketer. Unless you hit a batch of amazingly good luck, your book isn’t going to sell itself. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hire help or marketing services. That means you know your book better than anyone, so you should be talking about it everywhere you go. Carry promotional items, like bookmarks and flyers, so you can pass them out quickly when you’re running errands or speaking to people. You are your best salesperson.

2. It Takes Work.

Just when you thought the hard work of writing your book was coming to an end, you have a whole really hard-ass task ahead of you. Marketing. Now is not the time to sit back and hope Oprah reads your book. Chances are she won’t. Be proactive about getting attention for your book. Start contacting your local media. Research submission calls for experts. Ask for help.

1. You’re not just an author. You’re now a resource.

Let’s face it. A billion authors are out there. Did I say a billion? I meant a whole shitload. If you want to get media attention, you can no longer think like a book writer. You’re now an expert on your topic and a resource for TV, radio and publications. You have knowledge others want. When you’re looking for media opportunities, look beyond the call for book authors. You’re rarely going to find them. You want to look for ways you can offer your expertise.

“But Desiree, I didn’t write an educational or self-help book. I write fiction. How can I be an expert?” You wrote a book about SOMETHING didn’t you? Even if you’re writing a romance novel, you’re experienced in the writing process. You had to learn about how the characters communicated. Or how love felt, if it’s a romance novel. You had to learn about defeat or challenges. People are always looking for content experts for their outlets. Become a resource and your book will be the tool your audience gets more of your knowledge.

Here’s a bonus truth: if you wait until your book is printed to start marketing, you’re already late. Look at your marketing plan at least three months before your book is done. Start planning NOW. Map out how you’re going to be that rock star. Have goals written and the steps you’re going to take to get there. And if you don’t know where to start, ask for help.

I’ve been helping authors and entrepreneurs market for several years. Don’t get caught in the scramble for attention. You’ll look desperate and you’ll be wondering what the hell happened.

***

Desiree Wolfe is the CEO and Founder of Desiree Marketing, a boutique PR and Marketing Coaching and Service Company. Her mission is to help authors, speakers and solo-preneurs create kickass marketing. Her undying love for swear words makes her the foul-mouth marketer who gives you real-life, no fluff advice. For more information visit www.desireemarketing.com.

In case you haven’t heard, Desiree is also giving my clients exclusive sessions when they signup for No More Fuckery, our 3-month coaching package that teaches you how to be a marketing machine.

Impaling FIFTY SHADES OF GREY – because we can

5 Brutal Truths About Book Marketing

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