It’s not all true

This is part 4 in a blog series on why we are so afraid to be ourselves. And how that fear keeps us broke and invisible.

Read part one, part two and part three first.

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We can’t take everything we hear as absolute truth.

Eye witness testimonies that don’t match up. Familial stories told differently by different siblings. 

What we are actually dealing with is the perception of truth, even in our own heads. Do we have the ability to believe what we want? Can we adjust our perception?

The ability to perceive also lends itself to the ability to believe totally damaging, bullshit stories that may have been shaped by previous beliefs, our personal preferences, and illusions we’ve been fed as truth. 

Your perception of yourself is not your truth. 

Hell, sometimes whatever you think is a flat out lie.

You can almost always be certain you’re lying to yourself when you are speaking negatively about your abilities. When you begin seeking answers, deciding whether or not what you’ve always believed is actually factual, you’re breaking free of the herd mentality and furthering your journey to insightfulness. 

This series of posts stems from the countless women – clients and not – who come to me to ask me how I show up as myself in a world that cuts us down and expects us to be perfect. 

These women apparently think I have everything together. This, of course, is exactly the myth I’ve laid out there in previous posts – here, here and here – where I explained that image and truth are vastly different. 

No, I am not perfect.

Yes, I am perfectly fine with that.

In fact, over the last ten years in business, the social media posts that resonate with the most women are the ones in which I acknowledge my own mistakes. People flock to those, thanking me for my transparency and slapping my ass for being brave enough to share my own failures. 

Do you think that’s easy?

Some days I wake up and think, “Yep, I’d like to ignore my latest blunder and pretend it never happened.” But I know doing this once means I’m setting myself up to make a habit of hiding whatever I don’t like in my life.

In fact, one of the most recent situations I can recall posting about happened when I talked about having a difference with a client. 

At the end of our time together, my anonymous and unhappy client said I didn’t provide what I promised. And the behavior afterward – telling as many women as possible I was a liar and imposter – made me so insecure, I stopped showing up in my business. I tried to hide from it and let it blow over instead of confronting my own insecurities. 

I hid away long enough that my yearly earnings were significantly impacted. 

A complete waste of time.

See, the thing about being real is it doesn’t take the problems away. They still keep rearing their ugly heads. That’s okay. It’s part of life we have to learn how to deal with, especially when we are interacting with other people. 

What’s not okay is to preach you have to work on accepting your own imperfections, while continuing to beat yourself up for someone else’s opinion of you. 

Doing exactly that – what I did – is out of alignment with my soul’s purpose. 

I realized that wasn’t fair to me (to try for this sort of constant winning and/or succeeding) and it certainly wasn’t fair to the people I coach or who want to work with me later. They want to learn from me and my own path? Then I have to acknowledge the things that go bad. 

And I have to share how I worked through the doubt and fear this caused.

By exposing this vulnerable moment and the lesson I learned from it, not only am I taking ownership of my own shit, but I’m showing up for the people who want someone to lead by example. 

This doesn’t mean every time I make a mistake I rush to social media to announce it. Instead, I evaluate the situation, sit in the discomfort and try to figure out a different way of moving forward. Then, if there’s a lesson I think is important for my crew, I show up and talk about it. 

We each make daily choices which could lead to less than ideal outcomes. It’s just a part of life we accept.

Should I adhere to the food guidelines I know are healthiest for me or can I cheat and eat what sounds best right now?

Should I go pick up that prescription I called in or send for it tomorrow?

Should I work on the book or binge on Netflix?

None of those examples are high risk unless they become habitual, right? Nobody is going to freak if you take a day off and watch six hours of bad TV. So we don’t often punish ourselves if that decision ends up putting us at a disadvantage. 

And we don’t really feel the need to broadcast it when we look back and go, “Damn, I shouldn’t have done that.” 

While you don’t know every time I hit a road block, I certainly do. And I don’t overlook the teachable moments that come along with a bad launch or a bad experience with another entrepreneur. 

You shouldn’t either.

A more basic, more egotistical example:

A year or so ago I did a major photoshoot in NYC. I got a gorgeous red Donna Karan dress, paid for the best of the best to do my hair and makeup and hired a photographer I’d been dying to work with. Other than the boobs I’m rocking in my photo (because they are quite delightful) – the rest of my body, including my face, has been touched up.

I don’t say that because I think you’re shocked, but I didn’t want to spend a shit-ton of money only to have my eyebrows look bushy or distracting. My image – I thought – is a huge part of my business, so any time something crops up (like a potential crow’s foot) I start to panic a little. And I was paying to look and feel like a goddess, so I wanted my little blemishes to go bye-bye.

But isn’t that ridiculous?

Why would the way I look be something that keeps people from working with me? 

It shouldn’t. 

And maybe this photoshoot, which happened shortly before my disgruntled client signed on, was a symptom of a bigger problem in my business at the time. Maybe I wasn’t showing up as myself and – maybe – the image I presented wasn’t what you get behind the scenes. 

So was it possible this is part of the reason my former client wasn’t satisfied?

Fuck if I know. 

But I am certain it was time for a change: In my own beliefs about myself and my looks and the way I showed up.

The glam was incredibly fun, but I don’t get all dolled up when I go live on Facebook and I certainly don’t hide the other side of me. The chick who loves her horses and German Shepherds, and feels better at home when she’s in her bathrobe. 

Unless I want to do a glam photoshoot like that again for myself, it’s unlikely you’ll see me doing one for my business. 

I gleaned valuable information that will help me continue growing my business. For that reason, it’s not really a failure or – at least – not one I’m disappointed for experiencing. 

Somehow society has associated a perfect image with a perfect person, so we’re drawn to what we think is attractive or appealing. 

And while I’m quite capable of noticing and acknowledging when I’m free-falling backwards, I still have to do the work. 

I still have to remind myself that being vulnerable, original (and edgy, in my case) is better than being a lemming. So are laugh lines and forehead wrinkles. 

And I just have to be okay with that. 

Every. Single. Time.

Similarly, as I sit here typing, I can’t help but think that maybe the information I provide here won’t help every person who reads it. 

Yep. That’s me anticipating something I cannot control and allowing it to put fear in my creative space (when I really don’t need nastiness to stop my imagination). 

There will never be a moment when I tell you you should chase perfection – because you’ll never catch it and you’ll be exhausted by the cardio. Just as I cannot plan for my words to storm the internet. 

All I can do is know the content I put out is beneficial to someone (which probably means someone else will hate it), and work to get it into the hands of those who will be helped. 

I can dream about and work toward excellence, but I can’t control it. Knowing that means I’m taking the pressure off while I sit down to type. I means I can focus on what’s most important (and my biggest goal in life):

Helping people.

Perfectionism takes me away from that mission and makes me show up to you as someone I’m not. Which in turn makes me work hard toward an unrealistic expectation, that then keeps me from doing what I do best.

So I’ve learned to stop being so damn hard on myself and let myself show up as ME. 

Now that I’m doing this, I’m also showing up more, which means I’m reaching more people. Yep. Ol’ Beckster needed to take her own advice and let go. And as soon as she did, the perfect clients started rolling in. 

The easiest way to begin the journey toward truly accepting yourself is by acknowledging you’ll always be imperfect. 

You could look at that fact two ways:

  1. The shitty one (poor you)
  2. The way that makes each of us entirely unique, which makes us all far more beautiful

I prefer the second, as it doesn’t keep me feeling like a turd while I’m typing.

For me to keep that mindset, there are things I have to do when I feel fear, doubt or anxiety pop up. 

What’s next explores the most common creators of internal conflict and provides specific exercises on how to navigate each. And while some of them might seem ridiculous as you read them, I assure you that trying each is no more ridiculous than doing nothing.

Ya hear me?

But first, we start with mindset… 

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Read part 5 here.

Fuck ups and freak outs

This is part 3 in a series on why we are so afraid to be ourselves, how that fear keeps us broke and invisible – and how to stop that shit.

Read part one and part two first.

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Let’s face it: You’re going to screw up. Many, many times.

No matter how hard we try, being human means we can’t go without mucking up a few times. Perfection is unattainable.

In fact, perfection is an idea that is just as toxic as chasing it. If everyone was born perfect, what would be the point? No growth necessary. No lessons to learn.

God that’s boring. (More on overcoming this later.)

But how we handle the aftermath of our errors actually becomes the building blocks toward adulthood (and surviving as an adult). How we handle the emotional fall out, whether we push down feelings or embrace them, plays even further into this idea.

Because we’ve all tried to contain ourselves in some situation that ultimately ended in our own unraveling. A crash, a train wreck, a shit show of pent up anger or resentment seeping from us at the worst possible time.

That’ll leave most of us licking our wounds and bandaging up the others who were injured by the shrapnel.

Life is unavoidable, no matter how much we try to control it.

So how do you heal from it? How do you accept your part, learn lessons and move forward? How do you keep yourself from hiding away your faults and staying genuine?

Most people are told this isn’t something we should do, so we don’t. We brand ourselves based on the mistake and continue through life believing we’re a liar or cheater or (enter insult here) and live with that terrible fucking label.

We didn’t make the mistake. We ARE the mistake.

Nobody wins when this happens. Not you, your family and friends or your business.

Raw, human emotions bring raw, human interactions and moments. Accepting that means you regain your own humanity. You take back the power you felt you lost in an unpleasant moment.

Damn, that feels good.

Especially for businesswomen, accepting yourself is crucial. Not only does this make inhaling easier, but it will help you survive the ups and downs of entrepreneurship. Think about it. You don’t expect perfection from your clients, otherwise they wouldn’t need you.

Why aren’t we extending the same courtesy to ourselves? Why is it so easy to justify the behaviors of others, but we punish ourselves and expect more?

What if, for just one day, we were able to give ourselves the same benefit of the doubt, the same compassion, we do everyone else?

I’ve asked a lot of rhetorical questions up to this point for a few reasons.

One – Because they effectively hold a mirror up so you must face the reality that you’re probably being really damn hard on yourself.

Two – Because they’re an effect of writing, and I can get behind that.

But if we do these things – accept ourselves the way we love and cherish other flawed people in our lives – we’d be forever changed.

I challenge you to try, and I don’t say that lightly.

I challenge you to take a step back every single time you judge yourself for something you don’t like. A mistake, a failed course or a blemish on your jawline. Because if you don’t hate your best friend for her hormonal acne, then there’s no reason to panic when you get a pimple.

Self-acceptance is one of the hardest, most rewarding battles we’ll ever encounter.

If you can embrace the pieces of you that you believe need to most work, if you can give yourself permission to stop being so damn hard on yourself, then making mistakes will not bring on the guilt and shame it used to. After, you won’t fear mistakes any longer.

It’s life-changing.

Imagine the female entrepreneurs you know: The newbie without a website, the woman who throws out discounted rate after rate, the woman bringing in six-figures in her first year of business, and the new(ish) business who isn’t struggling to stay afloat, but isn’t earning what she wants, either.

If you put them all in a room, would you judge the space?

Would you refuse to enter it because someone isn’t as good as the next person?

Or could you learn something from each of those women? Gleaning insight from those with more experience and learning from the mistakes of the women who are still struggling to build.

You’re not going to avoid it entirely, right?

Just as you wouldn’t avoid that room, you shouldn’t avoid your own mistakes and victories. You can’t label them as bad or good. It’s not that simple.

You ARE that room of women.

Because you’ve been each of them at some point in your life, the successful one, the beginner, the struggler, and the middle ground.

Peace within yourself comes from acceptance.

Here’s an exercise to help you clear any self-inflicted injuries to your self-esteem.

Write down your criticisms of yourself, or the criticisms you’ve faced from other people. Maybe someone called you weird for your quirks, irrational for your emotions or selfish for choices you’ve made.

Think of the criticisms you’ve faced that have turned into beliefs. Things like:

  • I am too protective of my children.
  • My business model is inflexible.
  • I spend too much time online.

I call these limiting beliefs, meaning they don’t allow you to accept yourself fully. Even if they are true, you’ve associated them with negative energy that holds you back, and we’re going to work through them so you can let go.

This step is crucial to your acceptance of yourself, and it’s something you’ll often have to do over and over again, especially when you’re being attacked by an outsider. My clients are well-aware that these nasty thoughts are the first things that have to be dealt with before we begin working on their businesses.

Because if they aren’t remedied, they follow you through the process of building, reminding you of problems or resistances, and holding you back from every truly appreciating the value you bring in all of your relationships.

This practice isn’t new to me, but it’s so powerful that I watch my former clients use it with their new ones. It’s practical too, something we can all do at any point.

In order to let go of anything, you must first acknowledge it. It doesn’t mean it has to be true either. In fact, you’ll probably find some that are easily dismissible.

Create your list, writing it down old school style (pen and paper).

Breathe.

Then start with the first thing you’ve listed and write down three ways this limiting belief is not true or, if it is true, the ways it benefits you.

For example:

I am too protective of my children.

  • As a mother, it’s part of my job to protect my children.
  • I want my kids to learn from their mistakes so I do not always rush to their rescue (especially at school).
  • I have set boundaries with them and provided rules. As long as they follow our established expectations, I let them live their lives freely.

Notice that each of your responses doesn’t necessarily have to completely eradicate the belief. Instead, it shows an acceptance of it. It’s like saying, “You are right, sometimes I am protective of my kids.” Because maybe it’s true, and okay.

If you can accept yourself as you are, instead of being defensive (read: “Well, maybe you should protect your kids more”), you are practicing a form of acceptance most people don’t. Because we aren’t eager to take things as they are.

Do this with every belief you’ve listed. If you get stuck, if you find yourself getting defensive, remind yourself that perfection is impossible. If you’re doing your best, that’s all that matters.

You’re human.

Think about that room full of women again. This list? It’s the same damn thing and it’s all about perception.

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Read part 4 here.