Crap someone should have told you writers by now

Sometimes, you don’t need preamble. Sometimes, you need someone to give it to you straight.

Hi. *waves*

This is for every writer on this whacked out planet.

• Your early work will suck.

• Your later work, in its early drafts, will still suck.

• No one cares about your writing unless you’re at (or near) the top of the New York Times bestseller list.

• Seriously. You could win the Pulitzer in literature and your friends would be, like, “Yeah, she’s writing or something boring like that. What a waste of time.

• You cannot please everyone.

• YOU CANNOT PLEASE EVERYONE.

• So don’t try.

• Write for yourself. Failing that, write for one person.

• Listening to ten other people means ten extra people in your head when you write.

• That will fuck you up faster than a Sarah Palin gaffe.

• Example: Polls are for strippers and cross-country skiers, Palin said at a Tea Party rally in Iowa, on Sept. 3, 2011.

• Polls are actually for finding out what people think about stuff. Which is your job as a writer.

• Because truly great novels, odes, short stories and even songs show what is happening around them.

• It’s worth repeating: Before you’re great, you will suck.

• You will latch onto words or phrases and repeat them throughout your work.

• The words and phrases you repeat will change over time.

• The habit of repeating shit will not.

• You may never feel good about what you write.

• Write anyway.

• It’s better to lack confidence. Shitty writers always think they’re great.

• Never let anyone tell you to stop doing what you love.

• EVER.

• The only “equipment” you need is a writing implement.

• Pen is nice because you can write on your body if you can’t find paper.

• Pencil is nice because it works in any weather and never runs out of ink.

• You will never have time to write.

• If you’re a writer, that won’t stop you.

• We all crave validation.

• You may or may not get it.

• Write anyway.

• You need an editor.

• If you are an editor, you definitely need an editor.

• At the beginning, being edited hurts more than childbirth.

• No really. I’ve had two kids.

• After a couple months, being edited will feel more like a mosquito bite.

• Not in the sense that you forget how painful it was. (That only applies to childbirth.)

• But you will feel less protective of your words after you build a relationship with your editor and realize he has your best interests in mind.

• You’ll find out who your real friends are as soon as you publish your first book.

• Don’t work with a coach, editor, publisher or anyone else without a contract.

• Read the fucking contract and understand it before you sign it.

• You’re worth more than you may ever realize.

• Your story could save someone else.

• It happens all the time.

• That’s what they mean when they say, “You could change the world with your writing.”

• You will not get rich writing.

• Write anyway.

• Because what you may lack in cash flow you will more than make up for in enrichment and mojo.

• Writing helps us make sense of our world.

• If we didn’t do it, we’d probably completely lose it.

• Most of us are on the edge already.

• We have to be in order to do a job that doesn’t pay, won’t make us famous and, oh yeah, is among the most difficult.

I’m not kidding.

***

What I learned from having a literary agent

A guest post by Scott D. Southard

For five years, my books were represented by a big agency out of New York City. While I don’t want to name any names, I think I can safely say that this agency has a long history and has been associated with such writers as Harper Lee, John Steinbeck, and John Irving. (Yeah, I have two degrees of separation between my books and Scout!) Their clients are a who’s who of writing over the last one hundred years and as a writer and literature buff I could not have been more thrilled.

Thrilled? No, let me correct that.

I bragged! I gloated! I patted myself on the back every chance I got! I was big man on literary campus and it was only a matter of time before everyone knew my name. Start preparing the Booker prize trophy now… Wait, do they do a trophy? Or is it a medal? I have no idea (if it’s just a certificate that would be lame).

Snoopy Attempting The DreamThere is this wonderful Hollywood dream for artists that when someone of importance finds their work that suddenly everything is going to be streets of gold from then on and all the hard work is over. (Remember “The Standard Rich and Famous” contract in The Muppet Movie?) Well, I fell for that dream hook, line and sinker; and over the five years I was signed with this agency my career was stagnant.

Those five years are never going to come back.

Trust… but do it in moderation

See, the fact is while we both (the agent and me) signed the contracts, it did not mean I was going to be on their front burner at all times (or even some of the times).

I had no idea what the agent did every day; heck, no writer could know that! (But wouldn’t it be awesome if we could? They could have those monitoring cameras like some day cares have and we writers could log in online and see what our agent is doing now. Oh, look! They’re taking a lunch!)

See, there is a level of trust that is created there out of a shared hope that your book could find success, but how much you want to trust is the question.  And let me admit this, I was an idiot for quite a few of the years that  I was with the agency.

Why?

Because I allowed myself to believe, to dream, that they were fighting for my books every hour; I had to be their 9-to-5, right? Naive. Naive.  And even more naive, I allowed myself to imagine that I was just as important to them as their New York Times bestselling authors. The ones with the million dollar book deals and screaming fan bases. Yeah, I’ll say it again, I was an idiot.

It’s still your career

That is not to say I recommend not signing with an agency. That would be idiotic too! If an established agency (And I wrote here about what to look for with an agency because not all agencies are equal) wants to represent your book you should always jump onboard, that’s not a question. Heck, if an agency was to contact me I would sign as well again, even with this experience behind me. I just wouldn’t be as innocent as I was the last time.

See, the big mistake I made is I turned off the marketing part of my brain and just focused on my writing for five years.

What is that cliché about “assume?” Yeah, that was me.

I didn’t enter writing contests, I didn’t start my blog (and, hello, thanks for reading!), etc. I didn’t do any of the things that I should have done. So when that day came and my agent and I parted ways (think of it as that beginning scene in Grease when Danny and Sandy go their separate ways after the summer… without the singing), I was back to square one.

Wait! I was not just back at square one, I was negative five at least, because all of my contacts and the name recognition I was building in the writing community was gone.

The fact is your writing career is always your writing career. Don’t ever forget that. It will never be another’s, never. It is only yours. Even if you have a big agent or publisher supporting you, it is still your career. At the heart of it is still you alone at a keyboard or with a notepad in your hand, don’t lose sight of that.

In other words, don’t assume that anyone out there cares as much as you do for your work and your future. They don’t.

Frankly, your agent is not your mother.

Communication is key

No one wants to be a nuisance. No one wants to be that kid after class each day bothering the teacher. Begging the mailman each does not make a package arrive any faster, and the same goes for agents.

However, and I have said this before, we writers usually are introverts, and the idea of bothering anyone (especially someone that promised to make us rich and famous), is just too nerve-racking an idea to consider.

What if I said something that ruined everything? What if I make them change their minds? Our creative minds will reel with horror possibilities that could all occur because of one simple phone call or e-mail.

Take a breath.

The fact is it is one simple phone call. That’s it… Or better yet, an e-mail. And agents are busy people. To keep the money rolling in they have numerous books in the wings to support and sell, so in a way opening that avenue of communication may actually help your book! Reminding them you are there and are waiting.

So consider this, make yourself a calendar, (don’t share it with your agent!). How about e-mailing once every month to two months or so? Maybe even consider a phone call every three to four months?

And when you do contact them, don’t be afraid to ask for an update. Ask for copies of responses or to hear what editors/publishers think. That paperwork, if they send it to you or share it with you, can be a helpful insight not only to what publishers/editors think of your work but also on how your agent it actually describing your work to publishers… But be prepared, if you do learn how your agent is describing your work don’t be surprised if you are shocked.

(Example: I had my first agent when I was a teenager and that agent told publishers my collection of short stories was like a Judy Blume for the next generation… Yes, I said Judy Blume. Now I liked Judy Blume growing up! Who doesn’t, but when you are a 17-year old writer who is thinking that they are breaking some kind of literary ground with a collection of shorts stories about relationships and fantasy/science fiction, the last thing you want on your shoulders is Judy Blume!)

It’s a relationship

A Jane Austen DaydreamWriting a book, in my opinion, is only 10 percent of this gig. The rest is marketing or PR. It’s what we do to get an agent or a publisher, it’s what we do afterwards in trying to get people to buy our books (Hey, did you know about my new experimental book A Jane Austen Daydream? You see what I mean!). It’s all part of the job, and it is not usually something you learn about in creative writing courses.

While agents are, and will always be, the gatekeepers to the big publishing houses; remember, they are only human too. They can forget, they can get things wrong and they can even break your heart.

It’s a relationship and like all good relationships it is one you will have to work on. The second you sign with an agent, that agency begins to lose money. And they will continue to lose money until your book is sold.

Take comfort in that fact that someone believes in you that much to take the risk, but remember, you are still part of the fight. Build that relationship, listen to their comments, make the changes that they may request in your work (if it makes sense, of course), but give-and-take throughout it. Just like dating you will know if something isn’t working, and you will also know when it does.

For me?

I still dream of Pulitzer and Booker, but I will always miss those five years.

Maximilian Standforth and the Case of the Dangerous Dare, CoverScott D. Southard is the author of four novels published in the last few years, A Jane Austen DaydreamMaximilian Standforth and the Case of the Dangerous Dare, My Problem With Doors and Megan. You can find them via his Amazon author page or  on Google eBooks.