Tag Archive for: coaching

Why Women Resist Leadership (and How Shadow Work Sets You Free)

Let’s just name the thing:

A lot of brilliant, capable, intuitive-as-hell women secretly resist leadership.

Not because they don’t want it.

Not because they’re not qualified.

And not because they’re “too emotional” or “too much” or “not enough.”

They resist because leadership – as we’ve been shown it – is often traumatizing.

Yeah. I said it.

So if you’ve ever:

  • Delayed launching the thing
  • Procrastinated on claiming your title
  • Dimmed your voice in a meeting
  • Opted out of visibility
  • Felt exhausted at the thought of leading anything

You’re not broken. You’re not lazy. You’re not lost.

You’re responding perfectly to a system that wasn’t built with your nervous system – or your soul – in mind.

Let’s unpack it, trauma-informed style. Then I’ll show you how to work with your shadow to lead without betraying yourself.

First, the Why: What’s Really Behind the Resistance?

1. Generational Trauma Says Power = Pain

For centuries, women in power were burned, banned, mocked or silenced. That energy lingers. Even if you weren’t punished for speaking up, someone in your bloodline probably was.

So when you think about stepping up, being seen, leading a movement? Your nervous system isn’t thinking, “Hell yes.” It’s thinking, “Am I gonna die?”

Shadow Work Prompt: Where did I first learn that power was dangerous? What happens in my body when I imagine being fully in charge?

2. The Nervous System Sees Leadership as a Threat

Leadership is exposure. Visibility. Responsibility. All of which can trigger the same trauma responses as a bear attack: freeze, fawn, flight or fight.

If your system is stuck in survival, leadership feels like a death sentence. Not because you aren’t “ready,” but because your body still thinks the spotlight is a sniper.

Shadow Work Prompt: What parts of me believe that being seen equals being unsafe? What do those parts need to feel protected and empowered?

3. We Inherited a Patriarchal Model That Doesn’t Work for Us

Most leadership we’ve seen is forceful, rigid, extractive. It leaves no room for softness, for cycles, for the sacred. So we reject it – because it feels wrong. But then we shame ourselves for not wanting it.

Shadow Work Prompt: What leadership qualities have I exiled because they were “too feminine,” “too emotional,” or “too much”? Can I reclaim them as strengths?

4. Imposter Syndrome Is a Trauma Echo

Nearly 70% of women in leadership roles report feeling like frauds.

Translation? We’re leading while dissociated. Leading while afraid. Leading while hiding parts of ourselves. And that’s not leadership. It’s performance.

Shadow Work Prompt: What part of me believes I’m unworthy or fake? Whose voice is that, really? What truth lives beneath the mask?

5. Hyper-Independence Keeps Us Stuck and Small

Many high-achieving women are secretly terrified to be supported. Why? Because being let down, betrayed or dismissed in the past taught us not to trust anyone. So we do it all alone, and then wonder why leadership feels heavy as hell.

Shadow Work Prompt: Where did I learn that needing help was weak? What part of me still believes that if I lead, I must do it alone?

Now, the How: Using Shadow Work to Lead Like Yourself

Shadow work isn’t about fixing you. It’s about finding you—the version you hid to stay safe.

Here’s how it rewires your relationship with leadership:

🔥 1. You Build Safety in the Body, Not Just the Mind

Instead of forcing confidence, shadow work helps you feel safe being seen. That changes everything. When your nervous system feels secure, your brilliance stops hiding.

🔥 2. You Lead With the Parts You Used to Hide

Your rage? Sacred fire.

Your grief? Deep empathy.

Your sensitivity? Strategic edge.

Shadow work teaches you to bring all of it to the table, so you lead as your whole damn self.

🔥 3. You Redefine Leadership on Your Terms

You stop mimicking old models. You birth new ones. You build a business or movement that feels like you, not a costume.

Still With Me? Good. Let’s Burn It Down.

This isn’t about fixing your leadership gaps.

  • It’s about grieving the old stories.
  • Calling back the exiled parts.
  • And leading from wholeness, not hustle.

Leadership doesn’t have to feel like a betrayal.

With shadow work, it becomes a coming home.

5 Stats That Prove You’re Not Alone:

  1. Only 10% of Fortune 500 CEOs are women
    You’re not imagining the gap. It’s real.
    (Fortune, 2024)

  2. 60% of women say they’ve never had a leadership role model who looked or lived like them
    Visibility matters.
    (LeanIn, 2023)

  3. One in three women globally experience gender-based violence
    Trauma isn’t rare. It’s common, and it shapes us.
    (WHO, 2021)

  4. Women are twice as likely as men to say they feel burned out
    The cost of performing leadership is real.
    (McKinsey, 2023)

  5. 70% of women report imposter syndrome in leadership
    It’s not a personal flaw. It’s a cultural symptom.
    (KPMG, 2022)

Final Note

If you’re craving leadership that lets you breathe, rest, rage, and rise—

Shadow work is your map.

You’re not behind. You’re not broken. You’re on the edge of remembering who the fuck you are.

P.S. Check out SHADOW RISING, my exclusive mastermind for women who want an approach to business and life that gets real results. (Bonus: your clients will RAVE.) As I type this, we have 3 seats remaining for the entire year.

You are your own permission. Take it.

P.P.S. I created a brand new FR∑∑ guide to help women reevaluate – and burn down – dysfunctional businesses. Do you feel like you’ve changed more than your biz? Outgrown your clients? Are you ready to take a more aligned leap in the direction you want? GO HERE.

It’s called THE COACHING INDUSTRY EXPOSED, 15 questions that will likely shatter your coaching practice in a GREAT way. You’ll love it. xo

POP QUIZ on trauma-informed coaching

Trauma-informed coaching is not just a trend—it’s a necessity in high demand.

Experts say, year over year since COVID, the need has increased 20% per 12 months with no end in sight.

That’s why I’m hosting a free workshop on Nov. 19, exploring what it means to be a trauma-informed coach. Check it out here.

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Meantime, test your knowledge with these scenarios…

1: Sarah always insists on handling things alone and refuses help, even when she’s clearly struggling with her workload. Is this a trauma response or not? If yes, how do you support your client?

2: Mark finds it hard to trust his team and feels the need to double-check everyone’s work before approving it. His attention to detail is impeccable, but he ends up working late almost every day. Trauma response or not? If yes, how do you support your client?

3: Rachel tends to shut down in meetings when feedback is given, becoming quiet and withdrawn for the rest of the day. Her colleagues assume she’s just not interested in participating. What do you think—trauma response or not? If yes, how do you support your client?

Here are the answers:

Scenario 1: Sarah always insists on handling things alone and refuses help, even when she’s clearly struggling with her workload.

Answer: Trauma Response.

Explanation: Sarah’s insistence on doing everything alone may be rooted in a survival response from past experiences where she couldn’t rely on others. Trauma can lead people to develop a “hyper-independence” as a way to feel safe, often arising from situations where they had to depend only on themselves.

How do we handle it?

Acknowledge and Validate: Start by recognizing her perspective without judgment. “It sounds like handling things on your own feels important to you. That makes sense if it’s worked for you in the past.”

Gently Explore the Root Cause: Ask questions to help her reflect on why she prefers working alone. “Have there been times when relying on others didn’t feel safe or didn’t work out as you hoped?”

Reframe Support: Position help as a tool for achieving her goals, not a weakness. “What if accepting support could give you more time or energy for the parts of your work you enjoy most?”

Scenario 2: Mark finds it hard to trust his team and feels the need to double-check everyone’s work before approving it.

Answer: Trauma Response.

Explanation: Mark’s behavior suggests a need for control, often a response to past experiences where things felt chaotic or unpredictable. Trauma can make people feel safer when they control every detail, and lack of trust in others’ work could be a way of managing underlying anxiety.

How do we handle it?

Scenario 2: Mark finds it hard to trust his team and feels the need to double-check everyone’s work before approving it.

Create a Safe Space: Reassure him that his feelings are valid. “It makes sense to want to ensure things are done right. That must feel like a lot to carry.”

Explore Underlying Fears: Help him identify what’s driving his need for control. “What’s at stake for you if things don’t go as planned? What would feel different if you trusted your team more?”

Introduce Incremental Trust-Building: Encourage small steps toward delegation. “What’s one task you could hand off this week, just as a trial? How would it feel to start there?”

Scenario 3: Rachel tends to shut down in meetings when feedback is given, becoming quiet and withdrawn for the rest of the day.

Answer: Trauma Response.

Explanation: Rachel’s reaction to feedback might stem from previous experiences where criticism felt threatening or unsafe. Trauma can lead people to withdraw or “freeze” when they perceive even mild criticism, as their nervous system may respond as if they’re under threat.

How do we handle it?

Recognize the Emotional Impact: Show empathy for how feedback affects her. “It seems like receiving feedback feels overwhelming at times. That’s completely okay to feel.”

Reframe Feedback: Help her see it as an opportunity for growth rather than judgment. “What if feedback could be seen as support to help you improve, not criticism?”

Coach on Resilience: Provide tools to manage her emotional response. “When feedback feels tough, how do you usually process it? What strategies could help you feel more grounded?”

Empower Through Reflection: Encourage her to reflect on past successes with feedback. “Can you think of a time when feedback helped you grow? How could that perspective help here?”

The key principles of trauma-informed coaching include:

  • Safety: Ensure the client feels emotionally safe and understood.
  • Empathy: Validate their feelings and experiences without rushing to solutions.
  • Pacing: Work at the client’s comfort level, encouraging small, manageable steps.
  • Empowerment: Frame challenges as opportunities for self-discovery and growth.

These approaches create a supportive environment where clients can process, reflect, and begin shifting their behaviors over time.

There’s plenty more to explore and lean into, but this is a good start. If you want to become a certified trauma-informed coach, check out our program. We start Dec. 4.