Ten years later, it’s the same game for this celiac

Ten years ago, it was okay when no one knew about celiac disease. The medical community labeled it rare. The general populace had never heard of it. People didn’t eat gluten-free. Shit, people didn’t even know what gluten was.

I was diagnosed in 2003, after 11 years with mysterious symptoms ranging from radical weight-loss to chronic fatigue. It ended with a nine-day hospital stay when I dropped to 96 pounds. At first, doctors told me it was all in my head. I just needed antidepressants. Eventually, they did a biopsy to confirm celiac – but they never apologized.

Back then, I did my grocery shopping with my cell phone so I could call the 800 numbers on the labels. (Why buy it if I can’t eat it?) More often than not, the question “Does this have gluten in it?” was met with “What’s gluten?”

But now, when federal law requires food labeling with or without gluten —

When people routinely eat gluten-free (even if it’s because they mistakenly think it’s healthier) —

When everyone and their mother knows someone who has celiac or is gluten intolerant —

There’s just no fucking excuse for your gastroenterologist to not understand why you need gluten-free medication.

And yet . . .

Wednesday, I got a generic substitute medication from my mail-order pharmacy that my doctor okayed. This is a new generic drug, released in late November 2013, to replace a brand name medication I had been taking for more than a year. Naturally, I need to make sure it’s also gluten-free.

When I eat gluten, I alternate between the bed and the bathroom for several days. Having an autoimmune disease that almost no one knew about when I was diagnosed, and that makes eating a minefield, absolutely sucks. But it’s doable once you get used to it.

So I called the GI doctor.

“Hi, I got a generic substitute medication in the mail and I have celiac. Is this generic gluten free?”

They don’t know. I should call the manufacturer or the pharmacy.

“If you don’t know if it’s gluten-free, why did you okay it with the pharmacy?” I ask.

A nurse will have to call me back.

Nurse Robin rings me later, saying she called the makers of the brand name and they say there’s no gluten.

“I know the brand name has no gluten. I was taking the brand name up ’til now. But this is the generic. Why would the brand name people know if the generic is gluten-free? Don’t I have to call the generic manufacturer?”

She says it’s usually the same company. (It isn’t.) But she will call me back with the number so I can call myself.

When Nurse Robin calls back, it’s to tell me she called my mail-order pharmacy and someone named Duane says no gluten is in the generic. She didn’t call the generic manufacturer (how could she? several exist and we don’t know which one made this bottle) and she doesn’t give me the number.

“Okay, as long as it’s labeled, then I can take it,” I say.

“Well, I can’t say if it’s labeled gluten-free,” she says. “I’m just telling you he said there’s no gluten. If you’re really nervous about taking it, we can send a new prescription and require no generic substitution.”

But, she says, I will have to pay full price, which is more than $500, because the pharmacy tech said it has no gluten.

I explain this is serious. I will be violently ill if I ingest even a little bit of gluten. I can’t play games and risk it.

In the past, I have listened to the pharmacist who assured me a medicine was gluten-free, only to find out the hard way he was wrong. (Incidentally, pharmacists routinely make these mistakes for a variety of  reasons that aren’t their fault. The law doesn’t require labeling on medication, so it’s guess-work.)

Nurse Robin says she’ll send in another prescription for brand name medication and we can see what happens.

We hang up.

I call the office again and ask to make an appointment with the doctor to sort out my medication. Paying $500 a month for drugs is ridiculous. It’s not okay to not have my meds. It’s not okay to take medication that may have gluten and make me sick.

But I’m not due for an appointment, so they will put me through to the nurse. But I just hung up with the nurse. I need the doctor.

They still have to get the okay to schedule an appointment – from the nurse – but they’ll call me back.

“I can’t make an appointment to see the doctor?”

“You’re not due. Someone has to okay it. We’ll call you back.”

They did. Today. Another woman, named Danielle. The doctor can see me Feb. 4th.

“But that’s almost a month from now,” I say. “I don’t have my meds.”

“Yeah, I saw the notes. The pharmacy said there’s no gluten in it.”

“When I spoke to the nurse yesterday, I told her I was happy to take the medication if it is labeled gluten free,” I say. “She said she couldn’t confirm it was labeled, only that the pharmacy tech said there is no gluten. I’m not trying to be difficult. I just don’t want to get sick.”

*silence*

“I don’t know what to tell you. The first available appointment I have is Feb. 4th. I mean, I could put you on a cancellation list.”

At which point, I told them not to worry about. I’ll get another doctor.

Celiac patients – myself included – are accustomed to researching this shite on their own. For brand name drugs, calling the manufacturer or searching online works great. For generic drugs, you have to know who made it first. Every pharmacy has a different generic drug supplier. Every time a prescription is refilled, I have to check with the manufacturer of that generic to make sure it’s gluten-free.

The label on this bottle of generic medication is covered by the label of my stupid mail-order pharmacy, so I can’t see who it is.

Further internet research tells me six companies make this medication: License to produce was granted to Dr. Reddy’s Laboratories, Kremers Urban Pharmaceuticals, Lupin Pharmaceuticals, Mylan Pharmaceuticals, Teva Pharmaceuticals and Torrent Pharmaceuticals, according to the FDA website.

I spend a half-hour methodically peeling the pharmacy label, trying to make sure I don’t rip the maker’s name underneath.

Success: Lupin Pharmaceuticals. I call them – in India – and they tell me it is gluten-free.

Halleluiah.

It took two days, too many phone calls and several hours of research to get an answer to something my gastroenterologist should have known before he allowed a generic substitute.

This is not okay.

Because no one is going to pickup the slack around here if I am in bed for several days because I’ve been poisoned by gluten.

Because no one is going to be fined $12,000 if gluten is in this medication. (Read that. Irony much?)

And I feel helpless and lost.

Until a longtime friend and editor says, “You should write about this.”

Writers, we are doing it BACKWARDS

A guest post by Guy Bergstrom

Oh, it kills me to say this: we are doing it backwards.

Maybe you’re the exception to the rule. Perhaps you’re that rare writer who figured this out 10 years ago.

But I doubt it. Most of the writers I know – whether they’re novelists or journalists, speechwriters or screenwriters – go about it roughly the same way.

Step 1) Research, whether it’s six months of intense study or six minutes of looking at Wikipedia and playing Angry Birds “to let it all percolate.”

Step 2) Boil down the research into useful nuggets of meaty goodness.

Step 3) Use their secret recipe of writing methods to cook up their piece (outlining first or winging it, 3 x 5 index cards or spiral notebook, Word 2010 or Scrivener, one draft or six drafts, coffee or bourbon).

Step 4) Hand the draft to our spouse / best friend / cousin Joey to get all coffee-stained and edited.

Step 5) Spend five or fifty minutes thinking about how to present and sell the sucker for SUITCASES STUFFED WITH TWENTIES.

Those first four steps, they’re essential, right?

Here’s the thing: We writers are incredibly talented at screwing up Step 5.

Backward is bad

Step 5 is the monster lurking under our typewriters. (Yes, I know most of you use computers. Maybe I have a magic typewriter connected to the Series of Tubes.)

It’s the troll under the bridge, snarfing our lunch and saying, “Whatcha gonna do about it, tough guy?”

Now, boiling down a novel clocking in at 100,000 pages is rough. I have author friends who’d rather leap out of a perfectly good airplane, trusting in the bouncy power of their Nike Air Jordans, than write a three-page synopsis. Tagline? Logline? Forgetaboutit.

Doing Step 5 for anything, long or short, is tough.

Tough for screenwriters, who need to boil it down to an elevator pitch.

Tough for editors in newsrooms, who have to write headlines that fit into tiny nooks and corners of the newspaper layout.

Yet nothing else matters if we botch Step 5. Because nobody will see the fruits of our labors, the hard work that went into Steps 1 through 4, if we can’t condense the whole idea into a killer pitch and hook.

Reversing course

Instead of performing the labors of Hercules before even attempting the torture of Step 5, reverse course.

Start there.

Before you invest hours / days / weeks / months into research. Before you sweat bullets to put words on page after page.

Begin with the shortest and most important words.

The logline (or pitch, but in a sentence, not a paragraph) – “An alien monster stalks the trapped crew of a spaceship.” Optional second sentence: “Sigourney Weaver also does a short advertisement for Hanes.”

The tagline – “In space, nobody can hear you scream.”

The headline – “Alien devours spaceship crew; heading for Earth?”

Test that out, not with friends and family who are constrained by the need to live with you and be liked by you. Try a single sentence on people in line at Safeway or Starbucks, neighbors you barely know, visitors from out of town, tourists, people who won’t wound you forever if they make a face and tell you the idea is stupid.

And to get inspiration, use the series of tubes to check out “movie loglines” and “movie taglines” and “great headlines.” Or head to The Onion and read their headlines, which are seven separate flavors of awesomesauce.

Don’t do a thing until you have a logline, tagline and headline that sing.

Go do it. Throw ideas around on a piece of paper or whatever – and not about whatever you’re working on. Dream up a few crazy ideas and write down loglines, taglines and headlines that are shorter than short. Then kill every word you can to make them shorter.

You’re going to notice a few things.

First, the hero doesn’t matter.

Second, the villain matters a whole bunch. If you remove the villain and threat, it kills the logline / tagline / headline. Because stories – even newspaper stories – are about conflict. No villain, no conflict. But if you take out the hero, it usually makes the logline a lot shorter and a lot better.

Here’s another example I’ve used before and will use again, because it is short and sweet – and the logline for about six movies that have already been made: “Asteroid will destroy earth.”

See? We don’t need Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck-whatever (Matt Damon‘s buddy, the one who dates & marries Jennifers) in there at all. Heroes just clutter things up.

Third, shorter is better. If you can get it down to three or four words, you are golden.

A new way to write

Let’s get practical. Here’s a new way to write anything.

New Step 1) Nail the logline, tagline and headline.

One sentence apiece, as few words as possible and, yes, it is cheating to have sentences that go on and on forever, sentences with six different commas and possibly semi-colons, which are a sin against the English language and should be taken out and shot.

New Step 2) Make it work as a paragraph.

Expand it a little, but not too much. Half a page.

New Step 3) Nail it as an outline on ONE PAGE, treating each side fairly.

Whether you’re writing an oped or an opera, a novel or a speech, figure out the biggest possible difference between the beginning and the end – and do it from both POVs. The villain / problem and the hero / solution.

So if it’s a romance where the heroine ends up as a great cook who’s happy and in a great relationship, what’s the greatest possible distance she can travel? On page 1, make her (a) the worst cook in the world, (b) unhappy and (c) alone. How can you take that up a notch? Make her a nun who’s loses her sense of smell (and therefore taste) in a car accident. You get the idea. Read this for what I’m talking about. The Red Pen of Doom whips SWITCH by Camryn Rhys

If the ending is happy, the beginning better be sad.

If the ending is sad, the beginning should be happy.

If the hero is a tough guy in the end, the best story shows him starting out weak. Only after he suffers and sacrifices and paints the fence FIVE THOUSAND HOURS does he become a tough guy and prevail. (The Karate Kid.)

And you’ve got to make it a fair fight. Nobody thinks they’re a villain. The other side – whether it’s an speech about taxes or The Empire Strikes Back – has a point. If you don’t give it credence, your writing will be one-sided and weak.

I used ALIEN before. What’s the story for the alien creatures? Maybe they’re a dying race. Maybe that crashed ship contains the last of their kind. The stakes just got a lot higher for the alien, right? You are our only hope, little face-hugger. Get in that ship and lay some eggs.

Put yourself in the shoes of Darth Vader and the Emperor, who don’t see themselves as enslaving the galaxy. They’re helping people by establishing law and order. If nobody is in charge, it’s chaos and confusion. A strong empire means safety, security and economic growth. The rebels are violent terrorists who don’t appreciate what they have and will kill whoever it takes to gain power.

Now figure out your turning points. Put in your setups and payoffs. Make it work as an outline before you move on.

New Step 4) Research only what you need.

New Step 5) Write and have a professional editor bleed red ink on the pages until the draft is A SHINY DIAMOND MADE OF WORDS.

You’ll notice what used to be an afterthought – step 5 in the original way of writing – becomes the first three steps.

I did that on purpose.

Say you write a beautiful op-ed, 700 magnificent words about why the death penalty should be abolished or whatever. Now you’ve got to pick up the phone and pitch an editor at The Willapa Valley Shopper or The New York Times.

The first five seconds (aside from the “hello” nonsense) will determine if they even look at the piece. Maybe six or seven words, if you talk fast. Part of that will be confidence, tone of voice and other things you can’t learn via a blog post.

Your logline / tagline / headline, though, will matter. A lot.

A great speaker with a muddled pitch will lose out to a mumbler with a tremendous idea they can convey in four words.

Hollywood calls this five-second kind of thing “the elevator pitch.” Websites abound that devote many, many words to it. Use the powers of the Google and check them out. They are useful.

Bottom line: those four words matter more than all 700 words of the op-ed, all 3,000 of the keynote speech, all 15,000 of the screenplay or all 100,000 of your epic novel about elves with light-sabers riding dinosaurs. Make those four words count.

Related nonsense:

Writing secret: Light as air, strong as whiskey, cheap as dirt

Everything they taught us about stories was WRONG

Quirks and legs matter more than talent and perfection

How to write KILLER headlines and hooks

Evil storytelling tricks NO ONE SHOULD KNOW

Forget the Twitter: free ink and airtime are your MOST DANGEROUS WEAPONS

*

Guy Bergstrom won awards as a journalist before working as a speechwriter and cashing checks from The New York Times as about.com’s expert on public relations. He wrote a thriller (FREEDOM, ALASKA) that won some award and he’s represented by Jill Marr of the Dijkstra Literary Agency.

Blog: redpenofdoom.com
Twitter: @speechwriterguy
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